It is the last day of April and lowkey I’m just trying to get a blog in so that I can say that I did one in April… sorry it is performative of me !! Not a crime!!!
Basically all I do is work and come home and rot and then do it over again. I have some really sweet moments with friends and some fun in other ways. I am really struggling with work and finding a job for next year because of freaking budget cuts. Site selection is hell on earth…. I am not happy about that… there is a glimmer of hope and I am gripping onto that with every thing I have… please please manifesting better work.

I am thinking about this weird balance of being young and wanting to be young and fun and then coming to work and feeling OLD AF. I just want to be responsible and I am at work, but also sometimes I want to have fun on the weekends and do mildly irresponsible things (for my liver and my heart- shoutout having a crush). I feel like I live a double life, but I refuse to be boring. I really need to get into clown performing. That is my life goal for the next year (besides being good at my job). I want to just be silly and vulnerable and to freaking articulate my mask or whatever.

I am also really enjoying my flip phone life and being unplugged (to a degree) at work and when I’m out of my house). Unfortunately it leaves my home as a place of full and complete rot. So, life mission before June is to be able PUT DOWN INSTAGRAM DOT COM on my freaking laptop and to read or maybe even do

It is Spring Break and the lord is so good for that. I am feeling particularly blessed this weekend because I had just a lot of fun. More than I would’ve had I had to go to work today. So that is really something special. I am feeling very 24 these days. I’ve been 24 for 25 days which is really not a lot. But in my 24th year of life I’ve done some very fun stuff. I’ve been to many a shin dig,,, I’m learning how to do tapestry. I’ve met …. New people…

I went to a Phillies game with my best friends yesterday and we were on the jumbotron. For the first time. Something about that just made me realize that there are so many firsts yet to experience. I think adulting has been weird for a while because all my coworkers are one million years old (30-60). It just feels good to remember that while I do really dream of home ownership and stability, that now is the time to have fun and be a little exciting !!! I will have plenty of time for stability in life. I also just really love my friends and also people who are acquaintances. I feel like that maybe feels harsh to say there’s a difference. But there totally is. But i went to the park near my house and ran into approx. a million people I knew from various different parts of life and it felt very special to me to be able to say that I am building a community of people where I can walk around and recognize people. I think some people move to cities for anonymity, that is NOT ME. I love to be known and to chat it up. A city just feels nice because there are so many things to do. And trust and believe I love Philadelphia and I love the people who live here. I just need to meet a few more people who want to really put roots here. I have a lot of people who are here in Philly as a pit stop which is totally fine because then they get to experience its glory. Unfortunately I really want to commit to Philadelphia. It is the greatest place on the earth!!! Sorry to haters!!!!

I am sitting in a cafe a block from my parents house and I am listening to music and eating a terrible apple strudel but drinking a yummy latte. I am thinking a lot about my need for input (stimulus) these days. I am trying to slow down my brain a little bit these days. The past million months has been so fast paced. College was a balancing act and teaching is so fun but also impossible to have a life outside. Mostly I get through this by trying to not let myself have thoughts. I love to listen to something at literally all times and that is good because it keeps me busy and calm. However, I think there is something really beautiful about not constantly consuming passively all the time. I am about to finish my 5th book of this calendar year. Which is like half of all my books from 2025 (not for school). I am glad to have the opportunity to be able to slow down during a brief unemployment (hopefully my job starts soonish). I am on the flipphone (let’s see how long I last) and trying to be off of music listening as much as possible.

Another thing I am thinking about is TEACHING. Blog, I did a really good job at my old job. I know this to be true because I got a lot of kind words from my students. And a lof of them were not just like “you teach well”. They were about how I asked students to be comfortable with each other and themselves. And how I was kind and made them look forward to class. They were about how I was their favorite teacher. I even got two “you the goat”. I just think that some of these kids are being a little funny, but I think a lot of them are being pretty genuine. Even most of them!!! I really enjoyed teaching these kids they were / are so sweet and great. I also think in the words of my mother “I have found my calling”. It is very sweet to be appreciated by students!! And to feel like I really like my job!!

LOL - blogging while student teaching was really hard. And then blogging while having a #real job (check it) even harder. I got a job as a real teacher. And it is really beautiful to be a real teacher. I mean it is sometimes really hard and sometimes students say really loudly in class “I HATE this class”. Fourteen year olds!!! I care deeply about all of my students and it is so wonderful to be able to work with young people and facilitate learning. I am working on being firm in my expectations and also exciting and fun to learn with and from. Teaching a little bit eats up my life, but such is first year teaching. I am glad I love it and feel like there is room in my life for this as a career.

Other life updates include: having friends, having a girlfriend, having fun, not working out enough, and gender stuff classic. I am really attempting to adjust to be a real adult. In many ways I feel ready for a career wife and kids. And then like once a week I leave food on the dishes when I try to wash them. And every day my room gets a little bit more chaotic and I want to tweak. I think that life is sort of overwhelming and I can only develop so many healthy habits at once. Last night I had the first weeknight in a long time that I didn’t feel obligated to do lesson planning or grading and I did a million loads of laundry and baked cookies for my students. It was a glimpse at the grass on the other side. But then I probably wouldn’t have a job that felt fulfilling or awesome to me. Win some, lose some. I will figure out life and doing laundry and cleaning those god dang dishes. Life is sweet and I can build successful habits!!!

Wow okay no blog for whole summer is lowkey crazy!! Sorry to the culture. I just got swamped with being in #nature etc etc. No time for my humble e-bode. Oh well. Well now I am writing this from the advisory period at the school I work at as a student teacher. It is so fun and awesome and I am learning so much and I do unfortunately think that I am so tired all of the time. Teacher stamina is REAL. IDK How my coop does it like??? She’s AWESOME. And I feel very supported by all of the people in my life who are teachers or learning to be teachers or just want me to be a good teacher. Life is prettyyyyyy sweet diva. I think that I could definitely do this as a career but I have so much to learn and I am at the point currently where I am grinding my gears because I can feel myself make the mistakes but can’t quite figure out on instinct what to do that feels like great teacher energy.

Oops no blog for over a month! Whatever! This is my website. I am writing this blog from the Bookstore that I volunteer at, woohoo! Today I made a new friend maybe- so that is exciting!! Today I decided to blog because I had a little existential moment this morning. I was hitting the gym (classic buff me) and I realized that I don’t have a coach giving me lifts and whatever I do in the gym is like for me but not in a peak performance way. RIP my track coach and all the glorious things that came with college. Ugh a customer just came in okay,,, blog again soon

Wow sorry for abandoning you blog. I was finishing up TWO thesis (one of which I did super duper well on and the other,,, well I passed!!). I am really proud of my history thesis and kind of embarrassed by the other work I did this semester. But what do you want from me!! I did thesis and I WILL be graduating college.
Also, my granddaddy died today… life is so complicated. feels weird to be celebrating grad and also grieving. I think that my grad will be a time for family to come together which is nice but also hard bc I’m going to be so distracted. Anyway, I don’t have much to say. I just wanted to blog something because I haven’t in a while and I don’t know what do do about my sadness. I would post on my secret instagram but that feels like a lot and i can’t seem to do it. I just wish everyone in my life would automatically know without me having to say something. I also wish everyone in my life would know what a great guy Granddaddy was. He built my grandmommy a GD BOAT. he was so wonderful and patient and smart and kind. And he was just …. Granddaddy. He was so loved. I will love him forever.

I am just trying my best to just finish my thesis (+ other thesis). Life is looking up - I just booked a train trip the other week. 3 weeks and several long haul trains!! With my best friend!!! I am sooo excited. Life will be huge and awesome after grad ( I just have to graduate). Also, I am working a summer camp at an arboretum and im frankly just really excited. Today I picked up my books about magical herbs/ herbology (it’s a harry potter world inspired camp) and it will be good. The super secret thing that I am super excited about is that I am trying out a new first name at the camp. #trans it will be awesome and I love the low stakes environment to try and be myself. I pray that people at this camp gender me correctly because they really don’t do that at the school I’m at right now and it makes me very nauseous. Okay this is short because I, again, have to write my thesis (boo again)

Okay consider this my official post wedding blog…. Not MY wedding god forbid. My beautiful sister got married and that is such a wonderful thing. I always kind of have this thing where weddings are like yeah a little bit over the top and expensive and maybe unnecessary. All probably objectively true, but also when my sister get married NUH UHHH. I am so obsessed with my sister’s wedding because I love my sister. We are truly not that close, but I think this wedding reaffirmed something about family for me. Like yes my sister has closer friends materially, but you can never take away the bond we have literally growing up with each other and the impact she has had on my life. I talked about this on (embarrassing) instagram dot com, but I think my sister made the most beautiful bride because she is a) beautiful and b) also a beautiful human being. She has taught me so much about kindness and patience and still is so gracious to me to include me in her love and life even though I was a major brat in my younger life (and maybe a little now). My sister and her now husband have shown me a lot about love. I didn’t want to get into it on instagram dot com. But my mom does this thing and makes me feel really behind, that I’m late on falling in love. It doesn’t make me feel great because I already feel like a failure because I can’t seem to make people love me. Like trust me I’ve tried to have what my sister and her husband have, and it just consistently fails me. And maybe it’ll be different because blah blah blah queerness. But I do what a kind of love that is deep and consistent like they have wouldn’t that be nice. I don’t think I feel jealousy towards my sister though. I am happy she figured it out and I think she gives me hope that I will find love in a way that actually feels good and lasts more than like 6 months. I love to be witness to their love. I also think beyond being an inspiration, my sister and her husband care so much for me, it makes me feel deserving. I am so removed from their daily life and yet they make me feel included when it matters and I just think that love like that is what makes me feel like I can be loved in all the ways I want to be and that I matter to people. I think there are a lot of nuances to this idea of love and mattering that make my life a little harder, namely queerness and just being a freak, but I learned that I love weddings and that I am loved and that love has my name on it!!

Okay guys first i apologize for the no blogs in the month of February. I know that must have been devastating. A lovely instagram commenter reminded me that I should blog about my big win today. Today I won the centennial conference in the high jump!! Woohooo!!! Haven’t done that little thang since freshman year. Was really fun and felt good. I also had a really close attempt at 1.68 which would have meant really big things, but that’s okay bc i think i will get it again. Hopefully. Hopefully one day soon!! It also just feels really nice because truly I have put a lot of work into this freaking sport over the past year and I am finally starting to see it pay off. Like in a serious way this makes me feel like I am capable of a lot of things. It is just good to try really hard and do really well and be able to say yay! I am awesome! And I deserve good things. I also just realized that the last blog was also about track, but that’s okay - I will certainly blog about other things soon. But perhaps not for now because I have to go write a thesis (boo)

I am sitting in a cafe while my friend works. I am not really thinking about much, but I recently made some stamps and stamped some old stationary from my basement. I’m writing letters to my friends! I love snail mail and if you’re reading this you should send me some snail mail. I think there’s something really beautiful about being intentional about words and having a break from regular texting. I don’t kind words hit as hard over text. And sometimes they are mistimed and then they disappear. Something concrete like a letter is really comforting. It feels like a manifestation of my love. Do you know how much I love you? Well now you can hold it in your hand. You can read it over and over again and find comfort in my words. You can also let it disappear and hopefully it will come back to you maybe when you needed to know you are soo loved. I hope to tell all my friends this year how much I love them. My New Years Resolutions are as follows: Read more, sleep solidly, and love deeply. Also maybe to remain single for the calendar, but who knows ! I won’t close myself off to romantic love if it really hits me in the face, but I sure as hell am not gonna search for it. I want to love deeply to the people around me, the second half of the year felt great because I got so comfortable being alone, but now I want to make sure I’m reminding my friends that they are the best!!

On the train to school to start early return and then to start literally my last semester of college! What ! this is crazytown. I truly cannot believe that this is happening to me. The ever marching passage of time is one wild thing. I am thinking a lot about who I want to be post grad and what life is going to look like when I don’t have the structure of school. But also I am not! I am just thinking about reaping the benefits of all my hardwork to make this last semester the best ever. I am hoping to have a rockin birthday party. An AWESOME social life. Some thesis work that I am proud of. Etc etc okay blog out im bored

Sooooo I set the school record !!! Twice in one day !! no biggie! Except sort of biggie. But also my coach says I have to hashtag stay greedy. What a beautiful sentiment. Hopefully there is still more to come, hopefully i jump higher. The secret is, blog, and I suppose not a secret because I’m writing it here- is that I want to jump higher. There are things I can only do if I jump higher… 1.66 is not enough. But also it is really a beautiful thing that after working really really hard since I came back from surgery in July. I said you know what!! Sucking at track is NO fun. So I said let me lock the fuck in. and i did my plyos and i did my lifts (I didn’t really run but who care). And now I have a taper to look forward to… I am really quite excited and trying to hold myself to a higher standard. Looking to do great things and at least have #no regrets. Need to stay healthy. I want to be proud of myself and prove to myself that I can do things when I try hard!! It is worth trying!! It is also worth failing. Bc I would rather give me all for these last few months.

Besos!! Trel

Okay sorry that finals got my ass in a serious way… only blog for december, but I’m going to try and make it worth your while (maybe).

I had a really exhausting end of the semester and I am almost proud of all of the work that I submitted. I am really excited to have ⅔ of my credits next semester be passion projects. I also am so so so proud of my relationships. I really really love my friends. And I just felt even when I was so alone during finals week, just really secure in my relationships and all the beauty they have brought into my life. I also had great family time and it was hard bc gender, as it always is, but it was also really really nice to be with people who I see myself in. I am glad to have today to rest and recharge.

[super personal-romantic gush ahead]
I did my semesterly scrapbook today. Last night I showed my scrapbook to two of my friends and I was a little embarrassed that I had like two pages dedicated to an ex throughout the scrapbook. But then this morning when I went through my scrapbook again, I read the letters that made up the second page. I didn’t feel embarrassed at all which has been a really primary emotion I have been feeling about this particular ex. Instead, I felt really grateful, maybe it wasn’t so terrible to learn new things about myself and to try and give my love to someone even though it was hard and I was really not in a place to do that. It felt good to read kind words from someone I cared a lot about (and still do!) and it made me feel like maybe it doesn’t have to be all bad. Like yeah the relationship was far from great and I am not proud of how I acted, but also maybe I was deserving of care and affection and maybe I made someone happy, even if I doubt I make her happy now. I think that can be worth it. I think that no matter how hard and far from perfect it was, that it was worth it, because affection can be so transformative. I thought I would take out one of those pages, but instead I went back to my tiny purple bag of hidden notes from another ex, and added another page around her time. If one ex gets two pages, certainly it is worth it to give the ex that really changed my life a little more air time. I am so glad that I am single because I get all this time to process the way that love has impacted me. And I know that I want all love to be important to me and it is, but I do think there is something about romantic love that I don’t want to hide as a big part of why I am the way I am. I decided to add some personal mementos from my first love in the scrapbook because I am not hurting anymore and I’m not embarrassed to have loved and lost because the love was so important to me. I think that next time people go through my scrapbook I will be really proud to have been loved and to have loved and that romantic love doesn’t have to be hidden just because it goes away.

Wow year end blog maybe (just so there’s not only one super personal one in december). I think this year was a really great year overall. Of course there were some lows, as is life. But life is so sweet, divas. I think this year let me slow down. I did not feel so rushed. This past semester I made my bed every morning, I stretched every night. I stopped jaywalking in a rush if there was no rush, and I let myself feel a lot of feelings. I am grateful for the opportunity to be slow and to move with care. I am so grateful to my support system and to myself for being brave because now i have literally 0 boobs. Sometimes i forget that I ever had boobs!! What a big year. I am so proud of myself for beating like 60% of my friends bets and being single for so long and no plans to change that. Those are two really big things. I am so happy to have had so many friends prove themselves to be exactly who I thought they were (lovely and kind people). I am so blessed in so many facets. I think this year was a big one for growth and stepping into myself. I am very cool and I am kind and I am worthy of love. Sometimes the rat in my brain tries to say otherwise. This year the muzzle on the rat was muzzling (!!) I I am really in awe of who I am becoming and I hope 2025 brings an even stronger commitment to the people and things that I care about. I love to love ! God its such a beautiful thing. Also super thankful for this website for holding my thoughts and projects because someone gotta do it!

I fall off on these blogs all the time, sorry to the culture, sorry to the people. I’ve obviously been feeling very bleak, but also i want to blog about track. I have missed a lot of track because of my quad and then also i’ve been sick!! I feel the impending end of my track career heavy every time I miss a practice or get injured. Terrible! But I just am so grateful to have had this beautiful thing that has taught me so much about myself and given me maybe a few too many life lessons. I’m trying to really savor the last year of this because I want to give it all. Leave it all on the pit!! okay short blog but its 7am so I’ll try and blog more than once a month.

Good evening, beautiful evening. What a day to be alive. Yesterday I watched Hamilton the musical live in the great city of Philadelphia. I am here to report that I DID in fact cry at the sad parts. When Eliza was burning those letters and the son died. Like damn being confronted with love and trust lost and mortality in song is really hard. I also just cry everytime I see live theater because I truly just think its so beautiful that people are so talented and can sing with such emotion. Like that is actually just one of the most spectacular things ever. And I got to see it with my best friends who I love so dearly. People don’t really get platonic intimacy these days I think. Like why can’t I love my friends with passion and fervor?? This is now a tangent but i think it is worth going on about because truly I am just so in love with my friends and I think that is so beautiful and it actually pisses me off when ppl think i am dating them. CANT A GUY LOVE ???

I love to blog these days mostly because I am procrastinating!!! Today on my blog I am thinking about the fact that Angela Davis came to our freaking school. And that i get to eat a “large lunch” with her too. The lord is good!!! I loved the talk and I didn’t fall asleep during it (take that “narcolepsy”!!!) I feel like there’s so much for me to learn and I think that I really appreciated the takes that she had around what it means to organize. I feel frustrated when people look to big scholars and activists and expect them to hold their hand and say here is what you need to do. I heard a little bit of that reaction from some people. That they wanted Davis to explain to them how they can organize. I think the tricky thing is that she did tell them. She didn’t have the answers in the way of well if you plan a protest at this day and time you’ll win. But she said that you have to be in it, you have to do what you can, you have to think in collective terms and understand the various different approaches to activism. There is so much more than being in the streets (although that’s important). I think its wrong to look to elders for all the answers, because if they had it we would have won by now. NOT TO SAY they don’t have wisdom of course they do!! We need to learn all we can fromthem but also apply it to our changing context and learn from ourselves too. Thank you angela davis.

Almost fall break lets go!!! I don’t have anything in particular I want to say on this blessed site but I want to just see what comes out of my brain for this blog. I mostly am super into my research project for my history capstone. It is actually a little bit wild that I have finally caught the academia bug (not too much tho, I still didn’t apply for a fucking Fulbright or the Watson). I am writing about community responses to AIDS in Philadelphia in the 1980s and 1990s and I don’t even know what my argument is going to be!! But goddang I love going to the archives and learning literally everything I can about the topic. It is actually so awesome to think about and read about. I LOVE LEARNING. I am lowkey trying to extend it to a thesis (Ed department chair if you are reading this please please please let me do it and still get certified). Wouldn’t that be awesome?? Just a paper I can be super proud of ??? GOD I WISH. I have to start writing soon, THAT’S REALLY SCARY THO. I want to do a good job because I think I could learn a lot and maybe I could have others read and learn a lot. I want to be a teacher sooo bad let me learn in a chill way!!!

Today I blog about pretty much nothing, but I’m sitting in class and I am very bored. So a life update is that i giggle a lot with my friends, i do lots of reading. I am starting to develop some serious frontal lobe development. I make my bed in the morning and i dont go on my phone before bed. It is helping a lot i think. I really have been feeling some rage recently which famously is a deadly sin. So that’s an awful feeling. When will i be free from wrath???? This is crazy. But also im super locked into the joys of life. I am loving leading the track team. It feels really right. People also keep telling me im mature which feels crazy to hear but really good. Maybe im awesome???? Maybe im soooo cool and ppl like me and respect me??? I LOVE validation. That is my life idk blog. Maybe one day i will say something profound

I am at work and am sooo bored and didn’t bring my readings for capstone so unfortunately I have nothing to do but blog! Which is a good thing because I like to blog (sometimes). I am feeling very busy but in a really good way. (sometimes overwhelming). If only I didn’t have to take POLS 003 this semester I would be sooo awesome and free. Looking forward to 3 credits next semester.
Today I have been thinking a lot about bad friends. Not because I have friends who are bad people, but because I think it's an interesting concept to think about how friends fluctuate. I think it's okay to admit that people are being bad friends or that you yourself are being a bad friend. Like it's okay to prioritize things that are not one particular friendship, but that does make you a bad friend at that moment. I wish people would admit that more often. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be a bad friend, but not being there for a friend makes you a bad friend. Bc there might be the qualifier “bad” but ultimately there is still “friend” and that’s nice. And it sucks when people get defensive because we are obsessed with the idea of being good all the time. That’s actually just not how being human works. We are good and sometimes bad and that is fine. Literally it’s fine. If you can accept that you are being a bad friend or made a mistake then maybe you can work to fix it, but if you give yourself excuses to placate yourself you will just be being a bad friend for as long as it's convenient for you. And then you’re veering into selfish territory and i really dont fux with that. Anyway idk if that made sense. But there you go blog

So apparently the family reunion was just covid fest so now I’m dealing with that. I am always surprised with how much i like my family. They have plenty of their flaws and im sure if we talked politics i would really not enjoy their presence and I think that is a lot o f privilege in that sentence. And i’m convinced that most of them i could radicalize if i had more time. They are just all very invested in family and collective care, we just have to get them to extend some more compassion elsewhere. But people were sooo good about not deadnaming me. And ppl used the wrong pronouns for me occasionally but it was okay!!! I love to be affirmed. Also, white water rafting was awesome and all around the whole trip reinvigorated my passion for the great outdoors. I want to do outdoorsy jobs in the summer!!1

Hi blog! I haven’t blogged in a while because I have been sadly without my computer for a while. Not for any reason other than I don’t want to travel with it. I had an interesting time with the org I was interning with and that’s literally all I want to say about it. I have had such a wonderful time with my grandparents and great aunts. I spend lots of time with grandmommy and she is so sweet and cute. One of my great aunts who was a professional chef let me cook with her and practice my chopping skills. That was awesome. And then the other one who is a professional artist helped me watercolor some tangerines, see the watercolor section for that bad boy (definitely one of my best). I have so much to learn from the older folks in my life. However this also a sad undertone in the visit because my granddaddy is really struggling. He walks slowly behind us, he can only whisper to talk (my grandmommy is hard of hearing so thats a struggle too), and overall he is just not who I grew up with. I think it's really hard on my Grandmommy because she is losing the love of her life so slowly. That’s really got me emotional because wow it really all does slip away from you in one way or another. But I also see them remembering and telling me about their life over the years. Trying my best to remember it all or at least to remember enough to let it inform me and how I move through the world. Anyway this has been the perfect end to the summer because it reminded me how much I have to look forward to in life and also just yay it was fun. #blogout

I am currently taking a break from my overhaul of this website to blog a little bit. I have been experiencing a lot of joy recently. It is hard for me to be sad mostly because I’m very happy about my recent LIFE ALTERING surgery ;). It’s been so nice to just exist in the past like 12 days with no final boss binder and to take off my shirt whenever the hell I want to!! And also I posted about my top surgery on Instagram and everyone was obsessed with me :) I am trying to balance having so many lovely people in my life and that seems like a flex but it is honestly kind of hard because I want to invest in EVERYONE. I also want to invest in myself so I’ve been doing lots of crafting for myself !! I used to only feel creative if I was gift giving, and now I’ve really been enjoying making things for myself and that has been really really awesome. I went out with some friends the other night and have generally been enjoying doing fun and goofy activities. I love to be silly!

Woah! Two blogs in the same week?? Unheard of from trelly. A new era mayhaps??? Today I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of things and mostly how I feel really proud of myself for all of my growth. Without getting into too much detail because you never know where the ops are, I have done a lot of things in the past few days that when truly 3 years ago I would have been on the floor paralyzed by anxiety. Maybe it's my meds!!! Probably a little the meds, but also a lot of a bit about me. And my ability to manage my emotions and do what needs to be done. I am speaking up for myself and asking for what I need. That’s so beautiful. It’s been making me a little sad though, because I do have a lot of people that I wish could see my growth. Almost all are people who are still alive and well, they just aren’t in my life anymore. Some of the people are out of spite, you know the people who have wronged me, and I want them to see me up. And some of the people are just people who didn’t fit and I want to share my joy with them. I wish everyone I ever loved could be in my pocket at all times. Loving and losing is a theme here isn’t it. I think that acute feeling is so accentuated by this weird compiling of not being over my first love and also going through an emotionally complicated breakup just over a year later. I also am scared to grow a little bit. Because there are a lot of ways that I want to grow more, especially in regards to my queer and transness. And that is really too scary to talk about actually. Okay good bye blog!!

On Tuesday, I had a really long call with my org. Thinking about how I’ve changed my relationship with organizing. I really want to be a good organizer, and my boss said something about how relationships are important in organizing. Not just knowing people in your organization, but having people who would be willing to sacrifice for your survival. I think one of my barriers to real real organizing is that I feel like I have people who would have my back no matter what. I have built such a good community of friends that I am not searching, I know I have to ground myself in a political community though, I really need to find that somewhere, I just am really struggling to find it. I hoped that this summer org would do it for me, but sadly I don’t think this org is my political home. I hope that i’ll find it through teaching. So maybe another year, although time feels like it is increasingly pressing. In the time, I will learn how to take care of plants, nurture ish.

I am on a plane and I am deciding to blog a little bit because Silly Philly Summer coming to an end!! What the heck!!! It was awesome truly. Like Guatemala was a great summer, but it didn’t feel like SUMMER. So this is the best summer I’ve had I think think think think. Mostly because I actually am just in love with my friends and felt really loved allll summer long. Shoutout my roommates for just really getting to a new level in our relationship. I think they really helped make it what it was, because I just felt really close to both of them. I am sad to be leaving, but I think August will bring lots of new stories. And first, a family reunion!! I think I am going to be so incredibly vague on this blog, but I like having a place to think through thoughts and make them semi- ready for public consumption even though I don’t think very many people will read these.

Today is the big big day!! I am going to no longer have boobs in literally 12 hours (less even!!) Feeling really nervous abt surgery and recovery. But also feeling like really calm. This is definitely what I want. I know recovery will be hard. I have definitely felt imposter syndrome, that I am not trans enough! But fuck that!! I am awesome and I am trans and this is beautiful. No boobs is so great.

why is the measure of love loss

Today is my third day of singledom in a really really long time. Today I opened my favorite book (written on the body by Jeanette Winterson) and this is the opening line. I think I may embroidery something like this. I’m thinking a lot about love, and losing, and loving and losing. I also made my bed this morning, and made myself breakfast, and am drinking a two-day old latte. There’s something beautiful in the stability. I am loving in that I am existing, because I don’t know any other way to exist. I love in my actions and throughout my day. I don’t really feel the need to find myself. I know who I am, I have found comfort in myself especially in the past 2 or so years. I do, however, want to find new ways to love. I want to expand my understanding of love beyond just romance. I have too often viewed myself and my love as too overwhelming to give to people unless they explicitly agree to be romantically involved. No more!!! I’m excited to love my friends deeply and endlessly. I am myself in love and I am also in love with the world. How do I recommit myself to that love? How do I commit myself to change?