I met her halfway
Crouched down
Feet nestled between rocks
Rough edges softened by her relentless current
She wants to take me with her
And we fight
Ripples break against my body
But she is everything
And everything you are not
What we,
Me and her,
Have consumes me
It Is all that I know
Because it is all I need
At first it seemed Mud clouded her waters
A few steps in
She revealed herself
Transparency unknown to me
Surely unknown to you
You taught me after all
Now I feel her on my skin
She is learning
I'm letting her
Because your proprietary claim has expired
She does not own me
Nor I her
So, she is everything
And slowly I feel her wipe you away
But I leave her
And her water dries
Abandoning me
But now there's more of me here
More me than you
She was everything.
What if we could build a house?
One not much bigger than a shoebox
And the bluebirds would come
Quietly, nervously, at first
What if we created safety?
A tentatively scouted box
Becomes home to a bluebird family
However temporary
What if we found peace?
They fiercely defend this home
One on the edges
One at its heart
What if we were not fleeting?
Bluebirds nest again and again
In the place that they know
While their children leave forever
What if we did not know loss?,
What if we sat watching our bluebird box,
With all that we know?,
What if we relished in their consistency
Knowing ours was greater?,
And what if we, you and I, made a home?
I find pleasure in the unspoken rules of
A fleeting, yet undeniable, home
Laundry must be left in the dryer
Dishes must attract flies before washing
Items must lose themselves in the living room
There must be:
Comfort full of silence,
Emphatic joy in laughter,
Compassion from raised tones
How do we make sense of this?
There is no logic in our customs
As there is no reason for homemaking
There need not be when
We are everything that was meant to be under this roof
The walls will forget us, and us them
Intricacies will slip away, as they tend to
for all things temporary
Distinctions will be blurred
Causing spats over specifics
And yet,
We carry home unburdened by details
For as long as we are.
Only we know this home.
I wonder who loved you like that
To make me love like this
What did it feel like,
That senseless joy?
You had to be
the object of hopeful devotion.
Why else am I begging
to be loved like
you must have been?
I am
Ever searching for
What satiated your hunger,
Asking for something too much
And never enough,
Betting my heart
Against all odds
For a love you let me know so
corporeally.
She said it felt impossible
And I hung on that very word
Dug my nails into its hard surface
rough around the edges, undefined
It settled on me, heavy
Despite its hollow center, empty
Impossible was our reality
Like the house we danced in
She poured the cement
And I logged the trees
Our hands met as we painted the door
A home.
A home with a wood stove
That brought me warmth to my core
Which traveled through each vein in my body
To my fingertips
Which, even eyes closed,
knew exactly where to find her.
First to go were the paintings hung on the wall
I was oblivious to the empty nails
I watched as she took the storm windows off
The roof caved in
I helped as we picked apart the foundation
And impossible crumbled.
Last night, I screamed into the ocean
And the ocean ate it.
Anger trickled off my lips
And the waves came and wiped the corners of my mouth.
Romantic, almost.
The last time the ocean and I met
It screamed at me
To lose myself in its expanse
Only my toes felt its bitter cold then
And I prayed for the strength to listen.
Yesterday, the ocean and I made our peace.
I asked it to hold me
It listened
My chest felt heavy, but
The ocean kept me afloat
It whispered to me
“let me be your harbor”
My tears mingled with its salty air
Heavy breaths ebbed and flowed
Sing softly,
my dear
And I’ll hold your sound
For your shape next to mine
Is never enough
Let me search
For hushed tones
Like my hand for yours
I’ll have nothing in exchange
But my tender smile
And a few promises
Choose our song
I’ll let your notes
Become
My quiet everything
And so when you tell me
“This is the best love song ever”
All I ask
Is that you
sing softly
You used to be all knowing
My body danced to the flicks of your fingers
and when you stepped away
My limbs went limp
It felt so safe to be attached to your strings
Every inch yours
To be examined
To be held.
But now you’re gone.
And I’ve learned to walk on my own
Your cords have faded to ink
And I have a new tattoo
That erases a part you knew
And fills my arm
with a thread that’s mine to control
Lines you’ll never know
Beauty you’ll never touch
And I feel buoyant
Knowing that
Your remains are still there
But their knowledge is finite.
My arms exist unbounded by wire
My legs free to wade through the expanse
My beauty unending and always incomplete
Never to be confined by your completed image of me.
I am infinite.
Inhale.
Breathe as an exchange
Exhale.
Breathe towards collective
Before flame becomes smoke
becomes what lingers
Let it be all of us
Let us linger as the memory of what we’ve built
You and I are not us,
Because we do not hold our grief
alone
This candle shares in our
burden
Which is not ours to
extinguish
Yours or mine
Rather let it revel in what it has become
As an entity
Separate from our individuals
And integral to our union
Watch it cast its shadow
Knowing there is more than light
burning
Let it be all of us
Our pain and our joy.
So In that breath
Let us burn
As a means to create.